Florida brings to mind some pretty terrible things. Hurricanes. Hanging chads. Steve Spurrier. The "don't-tase-me-bro", uh, bro. Hell, just take a look at former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, the big-balled lady partially responsible for the 2000 election turnabout, if you need a reminder as to what's wrong with the Sunshine State:


Possum Hunter

But for aging Jews, Florida has another dimension. It's where they like to spend their last days. Now I find out it's where young, non-Jewish people like to spend their last days, too.

"People are snatching people from bushes, it is scary."

Neighbors said they are familiar with the "East-Side Rapist" who has been targeting female joggers in the area for the last few years. Now there appears to be a murderer, too, or are they one in the same?

"The girls are walking or jogging down the street and the guy jumps out of the bushes and attempts to grab them and drag them in," Mankewich said. "In all three cases now, the females were able to get away."

It may sound silly, but my mother used to give me the exact advice that would’ve saved some of these poor victims. Basically, “watch out for people in the bushes.” Most kids don’t get that kind of sound advice, nor do they realize that it’ll serve them well later in life.

So I guess the question is, what the hell is wrong with Orlando?

And cause it's still funny even after being overplayed:



They weren't trying to arrest you, bro, just kick you out for asking dumb questions. Come on, you get tasered for asking some guy if he was in some goyum secret society? Only in Florida...

Say what you will of the remarkably similar child-rearing methods of the Jews and Asians. Nobody ever said a little carrot and a whole lot of stick doesn't go a long way towards whipping those pesky kids into shape. But we generally stay away from accusing our children of racism.

Not so in England, where a government agency has issued guidelines advising schools to watch out for the terrible racism running rampant in their schools. Towards food.

That's right. Food. English babies are so racist, it seems, they won't touch food that's not from the good ole Aryan race. Dodgeball must be a whole lot of fun for the Chinese kids in those schools - or has dodgeball made its way to Europe yet? They are always a few years back culturally.

The new government guidelines apparently extend as far as to "include a child of as young as three who says 'yuk' in response to being served unfamiliar foreign food."

I think I have a tip for them. They might want to put out this fire before it gets started:



From a completely trustworthy English paper: "The 366-page guide for staff in charge of pre-school children, called Young Children and Racial Justice, warns: 'Racist incidents among children in early years settings tend to be around name-calling, casual thoughtless comments and peer group relationships.'"

Casual thoughtless comments? You don’t like something you don’t like something, especially if you’re a toddler. Good thing they didn’t serve kugel at my school. That stuff freaks me out. Little raisins floating around in there, come on.


Kugel...sweet, sweet kugel...

On October 30, 2002, David Letterman devoted his entire show to one guest, Warren Zevon. If anything, you know Zevon from the song “Werewolves of London”, but I picked the video above because it’s Zevon’s last public performance. He would die just a few months later from mesothelioma, a brutal and deadly cancer that stems from exposure to asbestos.

Asked by Letterman if Zevon had any insights into life and death. Zevon shrugged and said, “Enjoy every sandwich.”

It might seem strange that someone on the verge of imminent death would have a sense of humor – even on The Late Show – but see, it’s not really strange at all. Why?

Because Zevon was a Jew. And if he had been Chinese, I venture to guess that things would have played out in the same fashion.

To get the Jew side of things out of the way, we just don’t believe in heaven or hell. So there’s that.

The Chinese side of things is a bit more interesting. You see, the Chinese were introduced to the concept of hell by Christian missionaries and the Chinese just thought that “hell” was the English word for “afterlife”. At Chinese funerals, they burn bank notes so that the dead will have money to spend underground. With their hell money, the dead can bribe the ruler of hell to go spend the rest of his money in heaven. However, if the dead runs out of money, he will spend the afterlife in eternal poverty.

So here’s the real question: as a Chinese-Jew, what am I to do? One side of me says, “Are you insane? You can’t burn money!” but the other side laughs and says, “But remember, you must bribe the keeper of hell”… it’s difficult to get a grip on, but I’m sure there’s a compromise in me somewhere.

Shalom my fellow Asian Jewish mofos,

Nine days till the release of the new iPhone 3G. I can not tell you how long I’ve waited for this. Although I’ve had my eye on it ever since it came out, I simply couldn’t justify paying $400-500 for a phone. You could feed a small village in China for a month with that kind of cash. Sure, it’s not just a phone, and I’ll be the first to tell you that, but it’s still just a fancy phone with many functions you rarely use.

Anyhoo, you don’t have to be a techie to know that there’s always room to improve, kinks to work out, especially with version one gizmos. So, being an intelligent frugal Asian Jew that I am, I had been waiting for the “next generation” iPhone for what felt like an eternity.

$199 is still pricey for a phone but with GPS, photo tagging capability and other upgraded outlook functions which I’ll never use, the new iPhone 3G is looking really attractive. One thing to keep in mind: the AT & T data plan is $10 more per month and you have to sign a two year contract which means, you’re paying $40 more when it’s all said and done. However, on top of all the aforementioned upgrades, the 3G is said to be at least twice faster so you could actually watch videos on Youtube and surf the web without wanting to smash it against your forehead.

I heard in the rumor mill that the version three iPhones will be solar powered and come with: radar detector, night vision view finder, and sonogram.


iPhones get you laid, supposedly

Nina and I have something significant in common. It’s not our looks, think again. Figured it out yet? We are both CHINESE JEWS. Now, pick your jaw up off the floor and let me explain.

My name is Chan Friedman. I am half Chinese, half Jewish. Sound strange? It’s certainly no stranger than a Mexican from Australia or a Finnish African.

And I live in Hollywood, so no one raises an eyebrow anyway.

Even though it’s 2008, and we should be past the very idea of a “preconceived notion”, I know that some of you need a little bit of perspective, which I can offer by way of paraphrasing an elder Chinese statesman, Wu Ting Fang. Fang said:

“The Chinese and the Jews have always been friends and not enemies. Both have been persecuted and despised… The Jews and Chinese are despised not on account of their vices… but on account of their virtues, on account of their industry, economy, perseverance, thrift.”

So despised perhaps that they find comfort in the only society not casting their nose down at the other? Perhaps. But perhaps it’s something deeper. Perhaps it is their unified philosophy of thrift – the true bind between the Chinese and Jewish.

Now, the philosophy of thrift is deep. Centuries deep. Remember that Israel and China go back as far as time. To understand it fully you must be born half Chinese, half Jewish. Or you must read my blog over time. Immerse yourself. You’ll get it sooner than you think.

And remember one of Chan’s favorite sayings: There’s nothing standing in-between China and Israel besides Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, and Nepal.